my fucked up health

it drives me batty. yesterday was another depressing annoying visit to my hemotologist. after we analyzed my blood numbers, he actually said to me "you're a pain!" me? to him?? (i know he was trying to be cute. he often does this. but its annoying!!) this is all cuz my numbers won't cooperate. for 25+ yrs i have been slowly, steadily inching up the worrisome scale....getting worse....its beyond my control. its my bone marrow for god's sake! it is really the essence of why i am HERE, getting my thoughts out once and for all. before i can't.

i could easily be the first of my friends to die. for real. i have a sister blood disorder to leukemia (which granny died of suddenly at young age) inching along, having complications, numbers higher and higher. i am getting worse....needing more meds....13 pills/day (not a vitamin in the bunch) more than all avg patients....who are usually all OLD!! (60s+) i'm ALWAYS the youngest in the waiting room.

the good news? i look hot and i feeel fine. (for the most part) i am still learning as i go along thru life, and i am living life to the fullest. boldly going. you never get a hit unless you swing the bat. i must admit tho, there is an awful underlying feeling of hurry-up-and-have-fun. that sucks.

believe it or not, i already know my tombstone epitaph:

At Least She Looked Good

its catchy, its tongue-in-cheek, and its true. i must admit, it helps so much when people say to me, "oh no?! but you look so good!" thanks.

this is a perfect example of the extremes that make up my life. no grey areas. its all black or white. bad health/feel good. great husband/sucky sex. no family/husbands family. madly, passionately in love with another man/not gonna happen. ever again.

in a way, that is the single thing that hurts the most. its always the one thing that consistantly brings the tears.

peace.