one end

i had a vivid dream last nite. i don't remember much. all i know was that i felt trapped, confined, with lots of people all around me, all looking at ME. i went beserk. just crazy. flailing, screaming, yelling, shrieking, cussing profanities like a deranged women, scratching, clawing, trying to run away. the sky was gray. i just wanted to escape.


yesterday i had my appt with a neurosurgeon. what an extravaganza!! kept waiting and waiting. this guy we know...the chief of neurosurgery for a large prestigious teaching hospital...he reminded me of hawkeye pierce from mash. not just the actor (alan alda) but also the character. the personality. the *star* of the big show (brain surgery.) you know, the guy with all the smart answers...

he says we'll never really know what its made up of (le tumor de brain) so we should probably check it out.....ef you, i say. you are not taking any core samples of my brain. i find the whole prospect of it, purposterous! get fucken real. no.

so i'm gonna have a big fancy MRI in a couple of weeks, then see mr charming brain surgeon. then we will discuss. he actually said "just radiation and chemo" something...blah, blah, blah. fuhget about it. no.

today i ventured out on my own. since i can't drive myself, i had to rely on others. i snuck away for a bit and placed a call to 'old friend'. it really bummed me out, that my bday came and went without nary a call or reach-out from him. the first time ever really. he always, always remembered. ever since we were young. but not this year. this year of ALL years. sheesh.

the conversation was not overly pleasant. in fact i hung up on him. twice. he didn't call back after the second...

he was defensive. he was worried. he was guarded (and how.) instead of it being soft and tender, it was rough and hard. he said i was mad at him! (wtf?) i said no, i was disappointed in him. that very essence of who we were, and what we had--the bond, the friendship--was compromised. cuz NOW, when i need a good old friend the most, he is gone. he was actually pissy with me. it was like he waited up, practiced his speech in his mind a thousand times, and let it rip.

don't tell me what we had was "unhealthy". not good for either of us. fuck that. what about NOW?? when i need you the most...

i told him about this blog. i told him i post pix. he didn't seem too pleased at that. good. let him worry. (p.s. i tried yesterday--half-nekkid thurs--and my camera didn't work. argh! hot cheetah print bra and everything...don't fret. i will try again.)

anyway. its all done. its over. i told him that if i had to wait to hear from him, it might be too late. i thought he should know. i could die...and relatively quickly.

how 'bout that folks??

the ramifications are overwhelming.....