a real 'sit-down'

finally had a sit-down today, with my fav doctor of all time: my neurologist, faye.

SHE is the only one who took the time to SHOW me what i am dealing with. i saw the MRI's! its waaay bigger than i thought. jeez, drs get excited about little itty bitty calcifications in my breast...BUT the size of this puppy was pretty big! a stretched out nickel-size...in the middle of my fucken brain. the area that controls the sensations i feel. (on my right side. it sits in the left brain. its the way we humans work...)

anyway, we discussed and analyzed every single event that i seem to be having. my right side doesn't seem to be working as well as my left. i need to determine whether there has been permanent damage...thereby establishing a new baseline for comparison....OR....do i need more antiseizure drug to quiet the smaller seizures that appear to be happening thruout the day(s). she and i will talk again this friday to get a sense of whats what. its interesting, in a morbid sort of way. thank god i have her as my advocate. she is looking out for me.

all i know is that at this point: 2 weeks out from the seizures, i feel off. something is not right. it really sucks. big time. no highs, no lows. total ambivilence. moderately annoyed in fact...

add into the mix: frustrating sex with hubby and NO gift (its ok, i understand), NO birthday reach-out from 'old friend' (1st time EVER), well meaning but annoying girlfriends, extreme fatigue, dirty house and feeling like a trapped, caged (albeit limping) animal. will i ever feel normal again?

when it rains, it pours.
monsoons. deluges. tsunami my world....

i am not scared, goddamn it.