the final frontier

my last chance.

i will be starting chemo (interferon=INF) next week. i am out of options. this is #3 of 3. it is my last hope. my dr sat with my husband and me (it was the first time they had met) and he really looked concerned...it wasn't only his words either. his tone was somber. the bleeding events really concern him.

i am a time bomb waiting to go off....and this has nothing (really) to do with the goddamn brain tumor. thats just icing on the cake. i see a neurosurgeon next week to talk about how to track that....

the good news? i generally tolerate drugs well, so i am hopeful that i will tolerate the INF well too. what choice do i have? the side effects are supposed to be awful...and potentially harmful too. but it also has the potential to stop any further damage from happening.

but, its the damage that has already been done, that concerns me the most. is it too little, too late? has the dye already been cast? a stroke, seizures, brain tumor and scary bleeding events....isn't the damage already done? i have been educating myself over the years. judging by my knowlege and "expertise", i think it looks bleak. ie: an early grave. this disease certainly wants to progress....

hubby and i get our training from the drs office once the drug comes in next week.....and oh boy...it has been nearly impossible to obtain. its expensive, hard to get, and evidently insurance is reluctant to pay. either hubby or i will have to inject me with pre-loaded INF syrnges at least 3x/wk!! eeew. can you imagine? more fucken needles.

its like the pediatrician said: i'm just *made bad*.

yesterday tho, my hemotologist did commend me on my attitude and fortitude. he said he was proud of me. that made me feel good, cuz in spite of it all, i feel strong.


information is power.