the calm before the storm

i have brain cancer
glioblastoma
aggressive, fast growing
"made bad" is an understatement

at least i am prepared for this
a lifetime of medical woes has
left me strong
determined
to survive
to live life
to take nothing for granted
ever again

i am getting stronger everyday
altho i did fall yesterday
an unfortunate setback
that puts everything in perspective
i am not as tough as i think i am
but i am not as weak either
somewhere in-between
i probably should be walking with a cane
but relying on that will make me
soft

i got fitted for my mask for radiation yesterday
something to hold my head still while they
zap my brain
i will lose my hair in patches
how lovely
i will also take a chemo pill
which SHOULD help with my
blood disorder too
those shots were just awful
i will never miss them
at all
i see my blood dr today
he will prescribe the pill
that will hopefully
keep this from recurring
and with six weeks of radiation
five days a week
i will live
a life
waiting for it to reappear
once again
cuz oh, it will.

the thought of dieing
after all this
makes me so mad
i could scream
but who would hear me
a voice
far off in the distance

i feel the love
i know i do
but unworthy is an understatement
like i am conning everyone
they should only know the truth
they would be ashamed
at their love and devotion
but yet
they know me
they know the REAL me
they see inside my soul

so this is the calm before the storm
next week my treatments start
i will be fatigued and tired
cranky
sad
depressed

my darling husband
has taken control
he has risen to the occasion
for all that he has missed up until now
he has stepped up to the plate
taken a leave of absence
doing the hard job
being the care giver
gladly
openly
with love and devotion
we are a good team
he and i
i value and appreciate him
more everyday

now if i could just do
something
anything
sexual with him
my life would be full indeed