the past 6-8 weeks...

...have been a blur.

i am limited in what i can do
driving a car is out of the question
i feel like a caged animal
pacing back and forth

my hair is just lovely
i gag everytime i look at it
scaaaary

started with my course of chemo
1 week on (double dose)
3 weeks off
i hope it goes better this time
than it did last.
i was hurling so hard
i had to put myself
out of my body
just to get thru
the first couple of nights.
then i got a new anti-nausea med
and things from there on out
seemed to be ok

but, everything tastes metallic
i can only eat
a little at a time,
then i want to hurl again.
casseroles, casseroles, casseroles
its not that i want to hurt
my goddess friends feelings,
thats the last thing i want to do
i am just sick of chicken casseroles
and lasagna
chicken and tomatoes and rice or noodles
it must be the acidity in the tomatoes
i shudder everytime i put some in my mouth.

i am grateful to each and everyone of my friends
but i am so tired of talking about *this*
everyday is different
yet always the same
my handwriting is different
(everything is a mess)
i have short term memory loss
(must write stuff down immediately)
i move slow
i have a tendancy to veer to the right
i don't feel steady on my feet
my hands are shaking terribly
(try putting on nail polish with shakey hands!)

like a marionette puppet
someone is controlling my strings
from way up high
i don't feel grounded
at all
i am all wobbly
if you didn't know,
you'd think i was drunk.
they say its the side effect of radiation
burning my brain cells

i signed up for a yoga class
with mother-in-law.
bless her heart she has been
doing yoga for 50+ years.
she is the most centered person i know.
my inner core is out of wack
i need something to make it right
i am afraid i am running out of time