my fucked up health

it drives me batty. yesterday was another depressing annoying visit to my hemotologist. after we analyzed my blood numbers, he actually said to me "you're a pain!" me? to him?? (i know he was trying to be cute. he often does this. but its annoying!!) this is all cuz my numbers won't cooperate. for 25+ yrs i have been slowly, steadily inching up the worrisome scale....getting worse....its beyond my control. its my bone marrow for god's sake! it is really the essence of why i am HERE, getting my thoughts out once and for all. before i can't.

i could easily be the first of my friends to die. for real. i have a sister blood disorder to leukemia (which granny died of suddenly at young age) inching along, having complications, numbers higher and higher. i am getting worse....needing more meds....13 pills/day (not a vitamin in the bunch) more than all avg patients....who are usually all OLD!! (60s+) i'm ALWAYS the youngest in the waiting room.

the good news? i look hot and i feeel fine. (for the most part) i am still learning as i go along thru life, and i am living life to the fullest. boldly going. you never get a hit unless you swing the bat. i must admit tho, there is an awful underlying feeling of hurry-up-and-have-fun. that sucks.

believe it or not, i already know my tombstone epitaph:

At Least She Looked Good

its catchy, its tongue-in-cheek, and its true. i must admit, it helps so much when people say to me, "oh no?! but you look so good!" thanks.

this is a perfect example of the extremes that make up my life. no grey areas. its all black or white. bad health/feel good. great husband/sucky sex. no family/husbands family. madly, passionately in love with another man/not gonna happen. ever again.

in a way, that is the single thing that hurts the most. its always the one thing that consistantly brings the tears.

peace.

numero uno!

YIPEE!!

my first HNT!! ("half-naked thursday" for the unitiated among you)

truth be known, this is technically not my first, as for years i was sending bawdy pictures of my body to old friend. when you are in a long distance relationship, its a great way to share, without direct contact. there is something erotic and terribly sexy about taking pix of your body, and then sending it out into the world for public consumption. i suppose it is the exhibitionist in me that drives me to *show and tell*. in fact, i have always been this way. i even danced in a titty bar in college....and loved it! what power that gives! its a high that can't be beat. i will have to share that story another time!

peace and love y'all.

the deafening sound of silence

i have so much to say....so many things to share. my kids are getting in the way of my blogging life, as today will be another incredibly busy day with drs appts, swim meets, et al. i have several drafts started, on hold, waiting....

until then, just so my fingers and brain don't stop my new and exciting blogging life, i will post a poem that i wrote a couple of weeks ago. here at the hungry hearts clubhouse, we were without phone service or the internet for a whole week! it was a quiet and reflective time for me. in fact, it was then that i decided to open up my life to the world (wide web) once our service was resumed. here are my thoughts from then. the ones that sent me on this journey:

The hours tick, tick, tock by so slowly
each sound the clock makes
reminds me of the rhythmic pounding
of my heart
the relentless aching
that beats so heavily in my chest
ironies never escape me
this one just the same
the quiet calm
no contact with the outside world
and its endless web of distractions
just me alone
and my thoughts
and this incessant tick, tick, ticking
reminding me
that time is passing by
with no resolution
stuck in limbo
why don’t
half full plus half full
equal
all the way full?
My fate has been an interesting one
well documented and told
my search is the essence of who I am
its continued quest
more stories to be lived and re-told
a work in progress
is the life for me
it is my destiny
to boldly go

oh the irony

irony. the story of my life.

i find myself awake at 12:30 am, in a situation that i have been in countless times over the past 20 years....the reason i was driven to start this whole blog escape to begin with....my sex life with my husband.

don't get me wrong, i love the man. he's adorable and funny and smart and thoughtful. my best friend as well as a great husband and dad. he saved my life the day he walked into it. we were friends before we dated, and by the time we actually "hooked up", i was already falling in love with him. so i let the fact that i knew instantly (as soon as we kissed) that we were not sexually compatable, not stand in my way. i figured we would work it out.

its hard to say where the problem lies, but truth in fact, as much as he turns me on emotionally and intellectually, he turns me OFF sexually. just tonite we got into bed both wanting nookie. it started out ok, but then digressed into the usual "stopping and talking-about-it, and restarting" episode again. as a rule, we keep on going till we get the deed done, but tonite he gave up. just rolled over and gave up. left me all high and dry (literally) but horny none the less. maybe its just me (as opposed to other women he was with before me), but he does not turn me on at all. if anything he turns me off. he's too hard, or too rough, or too lite, or too tickly, or too repetitive till the point of discomfort. he's a great dancer, but the lovin is way outa step.

as if thats not bad enough....it has gotten worse. from somewhere deep in the recesses of my psyche, after sex and from out of no where, big hot wet tears fill my eyes and break my heart while i cry quietly by myself in the bathroom. every single time. its a real drag.

i used to think i was crying from the emptiness i felt, but i have come to realize that its not exactly emptiness at all.....rather it is a feeling of being half-full....not completely sated. i have the love and affection, but not the good hard satisfying full bodied sex i need. my female side is nourished and well fed, but my male side (the one that i identify so strongly with) is woefully malnourished....hungry....

if only i hadn't let old friend into my heart. don't get me worng, i have no regrets, but ultimately, i could have lived without the tears. now i know how "full" (vs. half-empty) feels, and i want to feel that way again.

i surrender!

i have been hiding in cyberspace too long. its time i step out and spread my wings. hello world, i surrender! no more secret journal keeping....and worse yet, no more non-journaling for fear of being caught!! i have so much going on in my life with my husband and the issues i face there (sexual ones, but i will address that at another time) my neurotic kids, my very serious health issues, and most importantly my love of two men. yes, its true. you heard me. two men. my hubby and my other true love, my dear old friend....the one i can never have....at least not in this lifetime anyway.

several years ago, old friend opened up a side of me that i didn't even know existed...a sexual, hungry, passionate, bawdy side! after 40+ years, i have finally found what it takes to feed my hungry heart! it was the best, most peaceful, wonderful high i have ever felt in my life! FINALLY!! however, being the realistic person that i am, i realize that my heart can never really have *it*....so hungry it will remain, with a big gaping hole in it.

i am hoping that YOU, all of YOU, can help me ease the pain and fill in some of whats missing. i have no family of my own (other than hubby and kids) and as a result i have felt alone my whole life. cyberspace and message boards were a really good thing for me. as a result, i have met people out there and have felt less alone. thats a good thing! hopefully thru this blog, i can ease the pain i live with and continue to thrive by feeling surrounded by people that care...however far flung they may be....

godspeed one and all.