HNT: a view from the top

i've had some good days and some bad days
times when i could not stay awake
but on i trudged
throughout the week
pushing myself beyond all reason
for that one chance,
when its my turn
to say Happy HNT
one and all..

...with a special thanks this week, to sexy blogger guy for giving me a great perspective!

daydreaming

I'm waiting for you....over here....cum closer
my pussy is hot and twitching
I need you to touch me, lick me, put your hand in me
feel the wetness, its all for you to consume

my tits ache for you...feel them, tweak them, knead them
they are the real deal, nothing fake.
Cum, suckle at my breasts
feel them tighten in your mouth.

Cum here, let me kiss you all over
your neck, your mouth, your butt.
I need to touch you
to run my hands all over your body
caress your tits
suck them and bite them...just a little....
work my hands and mouth down to your waiting cock
its growing by the second
its feels so good
as my tongue explores.

I hear you breathing harder and harder
the sound of your gasps make me want you more
deeper and deeper
you taste so good
enjoy and savor the moment.

But wait, its not time yet.
Now I want you to explore
to get to know me, inside and out.
Kiss me, touch me, feel me all over
Do you like it when I touch myself like this?
Can you see my finger probing deep into my hole
Its so wet and juicey down there
cum, take a taste, I know you'll like it
cum on, fuck me with your tongue
feel my whole body shake and shudder
for you.

Cum here, lie down.
I want to climb on top of you
Can I turn around
and face backward?
That way you can see your dick
as it slides in and out of my pussy
See how hot that looks?
Your boys feel nice and tight
the skin on your thighs so soft.

I want you to cum
I want you to have a mind blowing experience
I want you to do to me
whatever your wildest dreams have imagined
I will do whatever you ask.
Anything you want.
I am your slave...

nooooo!

say it ain't so!
i guess it was a rhetorical question, eh?!
its been rampant in my neighborhood too.

News report says Bruce Springsteen has the fever for a widowed redhead
Friday, August 25, 2006

http://www.nj.com/news/ledger/index.ssf?/base/news-8/1156486625219130.xml&coll=1

YES. everyone does have a hungry heart.

the gnawing question remains tho: is there room for more than one person in your heart to love passionately, deeply? does one have an endless capacity for love? afterall, the heart is a muscle. it can stretch and grow throughout your life. love is empowering, it gives you strength. isn't there always room for juuust one more? i am not sure that there is a finite amount that can fit.

my heart is so hungry. is that because it is not completely full? (sounds anorexic to me....a constant state of hunger...) or are there simply not enough people in there to top it off? (my group would be relatively small...no family ties at all.) is it sheer human nature to keep looking for that special connection that reaches to the core of your soul and fills you up?


lots 'o questions. little answers

my scenic view

i went to the blood doctor today. my numbers are back up (not as high as before tho.) argh! we'll keep monitoring. yea, yea. since i can't drive due to the seizures, and because the doctor is nearby, i decided to walk home from my appointment. its only +/- a mile, or so. it was nice and hot and sunny. good thing i had the sun behind me tho, otherwise i might have fainted. my arse was draggin.

i just feel like shit. by thursdays, i am pooped out. HNT at least gives me some inspiration. the doctor could see my old spirit was MIA too. i do hope that i can recover some of it back. i am living in some kind of limbo...pergatory...waiting to emerge on the other side.

my hands shake (a lot!) i am so tired. will i ever feel better? only time (and blood tests and an MRI) will tell. i remain optimistic.

the kids are never here. they are off somewhere else. i'm kinda trapped....even tho i am secretly enjoying the solitude. shhh! don't tell anyone. its quiet. my house is my sanctuary. even the sheets on my bed are cool, crisp and inviting.

i just got a call from a neighbor about tonite's dinner. it will be here at 5:00. how lovely! everyone is being so nice, and is truely worried about me. it humbles me. its hard learning how to say thank you, and truely being grateful for all that life has to offer.

count me as one who is enjoying the trip, and not only looking toward the destination.

happy HNT!

grrrrrrrrr!!

lest you think i was feeling up and perky, i want to remind you that hubby is giving me interferon injections in my tummy 3x/week. physically it leaves me bruised and dragging, but emotionally it charges me up, goddamn it! i have more lives than a stinkin cat, and i ain't dead yet. bring it on. purrrrrrrrrrrr

inspiration

it can be found in many places. thru the words i read, the pictures i glance at, the memories i embrace. *old friend* turned on a switch inside me that continues to heat up to this day. i seem to need that continued inspiration.

i have been so horny lately. the hubby seems disinterested. his focus is on giving me my inteferon shots, keeping track of my health, going to work and falling fast asleep at night.

yesterday, i had to take matters into my own hands. right there, in the middle of the day, on my knees, watching myself in front of the mirror, next to our bed. it felt so good, even if it took a while to find my lube, change the batteries in the vibe, juice me up and finish the task. i felt better...lighter...floating on air, once i was done. but i need some more. i need the real thing.

so last nite, even tho i snuggled up next to hubby, he appeared disinterested. i cajoled, and tempted, rubbed and grinded. finally...finally he gave in. i love him dearly, but in retrospect, his love-making skills suck. his kisses are stiff, his body rigid. once again, even tho i was fully inspired and motivated, he left me wanting. wanting someone else, that is!

where is the bliss? that surrender? that feeling of walking on air? sad to say, i do better at achieving it alone, than i do with hubby. how sad. he is a good man. no, he is a great man. he just can't be great at everything....

subtle understanding

i am at the end (beginning?) of a long tunnel
my perspective is lengthened by
the vast division i feel
between ME
and the-rest-of-the-world

i feel so detached,
so seperated by a lifetime of differences
cultural, medical, economic, dysfunctional and abusive.
here's to those that blossomed under the best of conditions
and those of us that did not
i will basque in your light
and find strength there
i must stay strong
treading water frantically

lonely in a crowd of people,
my life may be ending within a decade or two
i feel further away than ever
i am watching you all from waaaay over here,
and see the chasm between us growing ever wider.

i never had the opportunity to feel tethered
grounded
held firm
protected
i thought i did
but i see i was wrong.

so its one big, long, vast expanse
the deeper i get
the further i go from here
the more comfort i feel there,
waiting for me
on the other side

a collective of souls
all reminding me to be patient and realistic
understand my gifts
and limitations
a quiet inner resolve
giving me strength
and a sharper focus
my hungry heart must be filled

(finally) Happy H-N-T!!

i am strong.

i can leap tall buildings in a single bound.


how super!


happy H-N-T, one and all....

le hump day

i am trying sooo hard not to slide down this slippery slope i seem to be holding on to for dear life. i've got my nails dug in tight. (note to self: sched manicure appt.) i won't let it get me down. people are starting to say i am looking and sounding a bit depressed.

whoo hoo. is this what i have to look forward to? is this what all my doctors have been trying to avoid? so far it sucks. i feel like a caged animal, pacing back and forth in my confined, yet oh-so-lovely, abode. my captors have me sufficiently drugged, so that i do not want to escape...and if i do, i'll be right back. i am too pooped to go too far.

boy oh boy, i could use some good nookie. hubby is too much like work. a few hours to escape outside myself...make me forget my troubles for a while. sounds heavenly. now why can't doctors prescribe that??

le hump day eh?

hump this.

tooosday

i keep waiting for my days to get better. they seem to fly by. i have no energy. its been a blur. i am so fucken exhausted. weary really.

mindless. without a mind.

the way i go thru over 6000 recovered files to find my special pix. it wasn't so much that i wouldn't have any pix of the kids et al.....i was afraid that there was gonna be no pix of ME left. how else would they look back fondly? it was if my whole past was erased. gone.

hmm, and i've always been known to leave my mark where ever i go. ok, so in this case, its more like an imprint! hear me roar, goddamn it!

cough, cough.




"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and
happiness. Just because they're not on your road
doesn't mean they've gotten lost..."
(--H. Jackson Brown, Jr.)

not-naked friday

since i was not up and working for HNT yesterday, and since i did not want to arouse any suspicion, and since i am reluctant to thrust any naughty pix your way, i will start with my first NEW pix on my NEW operating system. my NEW jewelry box, sitting on my NEW sitting area that hubby made for my bday!

have a great weekend one and all.

re-booting

what a metaphor for my life.

my computer crashed and burned this week. it was ugly. i have a whole new operating system...all my old memories, old pictures, old files, are corrupt, gone or seriously compromised. i am starting from scratch. everything is wiped clean. a new beginning.

just like my life right now!!. the seizures (and subsequent brain tumor) really threw me for a loop. i feel like my operating system was wiped clean too. i woke up a different person. i am definitely moving slower (not that that is a bad thing) in all phases of my life. my friends and neighbors have been so kind and wonderful to come to my defense and help me....with dinners, with computer assistance....

its funny. when i think of the way my life is operating right now, a huge mobile by the sculptor Calder comes to mind. there is one in the atrium of a big beautiful building nearby. way up high, on one side of the mobile are the pieces that act as counterweight, to the other pieces....that are hanging waaay low. in essence, everything is either really UP or really DOWN. there is no grey area. the goodness in my life is really great, the "badness" is reeeeally bad. and its all hanging on one thin cable...

want more good news? i had my blood numbers checked yesterday for the first time since the interferon shots. guess what? for the first time in 30 years, my numbers hit in the normal range!!! can you believe it? (fyi: the shots have not been getting any easier--at all!) i really don't feel all that well, and i am tired all the time.

...and my brain surgeon said my tumor is inoperable. you call that good news?? its something we'll have to follow closely. i get another MRI in a couple of months.

see?? its like the Calder mobile....all hanging so precariously, in a perfect balance...

anyway,

here's to NEW beginnings! it may take me a while to get up and running (right now) but have no fear, i am cumming back. you can count on it!

one end

i had a vivid dream last nite. i don't remember much. all i know was that i felt trapped, confined, with lots of people all around me, all looking at ME. i went beserk. just crazy. flailing, screaming, yelling, shrieking, cussing profanities like a deranged women, scratching, clawing, trying to run away. the sky was gray. i just wanted to escape.


yesterday i had my appt with a neurosurgeon. what an extravaganza!! kept waiting and waiting. this guy we know...the chief of neurosurgery for a large prestigious teaching hospital...he reminded me of hawkeye pierce from mash. not just the actor (alan alda) but also the character. the personality. the *star* of the big show (brain surgery.) you know, the guy with all the smart answers...

he says we'll never really know what its made up of (le tumor de brain) so we should probably check it out.....ef you, i say. you are not taking any core samples of my brain. i find the whole prospect of it, purposterous! get fucken real. no.

so i'm gonna have a big fancy MRI in a couple of weeks, then see mr charming brain surgeon. then we will discuss. he actually said "just radiation and chemo" something...blah, blah, blah. fuhget about it. no.

today i ventured out on my own. since i can't drive myself, i had to rely on others. i snuck away for a bit and placed a call to 'old friend'. it really bummed me out, that my bday came and went without nary a call or reach-out from him. the first time ever really. he always, always remembered. ever since we were young. but not this year. this year of ALL years. sheesh.

the conversation was not overly pleasant. in fact i hung up on him. twice. he didn't call back after the second...

he was defensive. he was worried. he was guarded (and how.) instead of it being soft and tender, it was rough and hard. he said i was mad at him! (wtf?) i said no, i was disappointed in him. that very essence of who we were, and what we had--the bond, the friendship--was compromised. cuz NOW, when i need a good old friend the most, he is gone. he was actually pissy with me. it was like he waited up, practiced his speech in his mind a thousand times, and let it rip.

don't tell me what we had was "unhealthy". not good for either of us. fuck that. what about NOW?? when i need you the most...

i told him about this blog. i told him i post pix. he didn't seem too pleased at that. good. let him worry. (p.s. i tried yesterday--half-nekkid thurs--and my camera didn't work. argh! hot cheetah print bra and everything...don't fret. i will try again.)

anyway. its all done. its over. i told him that if i had to wait to hear from him, it might be too late. i thought he should know. i could die...and relatively quickly.

how 'bout that folks??

the ramifications are overwhelming.....

one day down

all in all, it went well today.

hubby was a good doctor, and he said i was a good patient.

a good start indeed!


it occurred to me that one reason my heart feels so hungry, is cuz it's a
*hurried hungry heart*!

hey, ya never know....maybe i always "knew"....



Courage is being scared to death--and saddling up anyway.
~John Wayne