the light at the end of the tunnel

i have no voice
there are no words
desperate isolation works
just as good as any
but yet, i know
the truth will set you free
there is goodness to be found here

do i allow my well meaning friends and neighbors
to talk about anything other than this
it has robbed me of my speech
i can't believe how dumb i feel
stammering in silence
my hand up to my face
why oh why
this can't be me,
can it?

do i allow my well meaning husband
to look at me, at first in silence
now avoiding me like the plague
the pain in his eyes is palpable
there is much hurt there
should i continue to serve my fancy
tho it ceases to be
do i reach out to him
yet still?

i think i may have learned
the meaning of no
it doesn't have to be that bad
it doesn't have to hurt
it should lift you up
it should hoist you high in the air
again and again and again

...for now...

crying thru tears
move past all the years
i see your face calling out to me
beckoning
come here it pleads
no, i can not
not today or ever

i sit and ponder
why has life done this to me
the duality of my life
so rich on one side
so deficient on the other
a striking balance so difficult to maintain
a thread hung so precariously
all dangling there
out in the open
waiting, waiting
for the other shoe to drop

in the meantime,
i have found the answer
to the age-old question
how to integrate the two
the merging of the act
the intensity
as waves of feelings envelope me
ride that toy
and ride it hard
until we explode in passion
together

my *old friend* = my greek muse

my *old friend* = my greek muse
it is thru him that i find my voice
whether it is written down
or mumbled along
he is with me always
with his velvety softness
thru thick and thru thin
just like jerry & elaine.

we tried doing *that*
but that was all wrong
so instead of bringing me up
the way it should,
it only sought to re-establish
that which we knew was right
all along
you can't go there
and cum back.
you must come back.
right away

a blanket

i've lost my voice
its no where to be found
time has served no warning
no backward glance
i only speak in metaphors
like twinkly sparkles in the sand

yesterday was no accident
the girl i noticed so
with the flippy hair
and straight white teeth
a rehab nurse, imagine that
brain trauma center
on my bus, with me
to chaperone a bunch of high school
band geeks

the reality of my situation
has not gone un-noticed
there are people who care and worry about me
the situation is still unfolding
like a blanket in the breeze
always fluid
everchanging

respect

maybe its a good thing i have nothing to say
it certainly gave way to him voicing his concerns
he told me he felt like a bad dad,
and a bad husband
he told me that he had to distance himself
he told me that he was sorry
more times than i can count

he apologized
that the timing was so bad
just when i needed him the most
when my world came crashing down on me
he apologized

why then do i feel so sad
because i am in mourning
for a love yet to be found
one that i know i can never, ever have
starving for the attention
from the one who can't give it
nor should he, if he was able

respect
thats the word that keeps coming to mind
my respect for him for doing the right thing
regardless of the circumstances
tho they were misguided, and abrupt at times
he did the right thing
for all the right reasons.

HNT: wanna peek?

come closer.

no, cum closer!

i want to feel your breath against my tits

i want you to want me

i want you to feel what i feel

hunger.


HHNT!

for your consideration

i just bought a new sex toy on-line that caught my eye. it has a nice long handle that allows you to go at *it* frontwards or backwards....all with a curvy g spot thingy.

*clapping hands feverishly*


hey, as long as i've got time on my hands....i don't feel particularly energetic....i can't GO anywhere....what else do i have to do?

see, i knew you would see it my way. (besides, i needed to lighten the mood from yesterday's depressing post.)

remembering

i could see the world trade towers
off in the distance from my childhood bedroom window.
something like seven miles as the crow flies
from here to there
i remember when they went up.
they were like a beacon to me, calling out
it was as if they were saying to me: get out. get out. escape!
and i did. i thrived, in fact

then they came crashing down. and so did i.

since the summer of 2001
when i lost the use of my right arm
for several hours
my bob dole arm i called it,
it hung there like lead
we had just moved into our new house
it was a stressful time

so much has changed in these five years
how can we go from such hope for the future
to such despair
a world so full of promise and possiblities
to a world full of wars
and brain tumors

it just makes me shake my head
and hunger for the best
there is more for us out there
isn't there?
all is not lost
is it?

only time will tell

"awkward"

that was the word he used: awkward. as in "i feel so awkward touching you."

it was last night. at first he said, i just want to touch you, hold you. i was flattered beyond words! how sweet! he just wants to cradle me in his arms...

well one thing led to another. before i realized (ha ha) what was happening, his hands were all over me. touching my breasts, my butt, my crotch. ok, so maybe this would go ok. his dick was hard, my puss was wet-ish. certainly i felt something passionate growing inside me....even if my puss was only wet-ish. his hands probed deeper and deeper. then they stopped. cold turkey.

what the fuck, i say? why did you stop? i thought i was hurting you, he says. well you were sorta...how about if i move like this? that was it. thats when i heard the fateful word: "awkward".

hey buddy, if YOU feel awkward, can you imagine how awkward that *word* makes ME feel? all of a sudden, it came to a screeching halt. once again. we lay there in silence. then he said he wanted to try again, could we please?

NO! i said. no you cannot. i cannot be played like a yo-yo. pull me in, throw me out. again and again. then what happens? i end up crying like a baby, alone in the bathroom, while you happily fall asleep all relaxed and rejuvinated. not this time buddy. its not worth it.

so i rolled over and went to sleep. he probably j/o'ed once he heard my soft, deep breathing. so be it.

hisssssss

how do i cram the rest of my life into 10+yrs? i'll be lucky to live that long. my blood is not cooperating. i take INF injections 3x/week. the brain tumor lurks menacingly. it'll be fine, they say. till its NOT, i say! here one minute, gone the next. just like before.

i woke from those seizures a different person. i see things from a different perspective. i just BE different.

---

my mortality. it sucks. know why? cuz its a heavy burden to bare--even if it turns out to be untrue. kind of a lose/lose situation, no matter how it faces up.

its given me an insight tho into something i need to pay attention to. before its too late: my history of journaling. since 1972. except that NOW is time. the time is NOW! while i remember my on-line passwords....and my blogger name....while i have this forum to speak....i have got to put it ALL down, before i can't.

*old friend* turned on the switch several years ago. he was the catalyst for change. he enabled me to access this special side of myself. a side that must remain anonymous...but yet allows me to share...emote. personally i see it as a win/win. i will not always have this luxury of time. it must be let out. like steam...

HNT: moi?

who me? surely you jest!

see thru HNT for YOU!

happy dance, happy dance!

the kids are in school!

i'm doin the happy dance, happy dance!!

whoooo hoooo!

n-o-t-h-i-n-g

i was thinking that maybe its just me.
i've got nothing to say to him.
his mom comes over this morning,
and i discover that i have nothing to say to her either.
he has even less to say to her, than me.
lots of looong, awkward silences
i try to fill time with mindless chatter
we take our afternoon walk with still no talking
he has an amazing grasp of the obvious
i would rather not comment
i have nothing to say
let it go, let it go.

tonite, at dinner
our teenage son is giving me cause for concern,
his attention to girls, the phone, the band
being on the drumline is position of honor
all the trappings and trimmings
a reputation to uphold
his grades suck however
altho his intellect would disagree
he is distracted
by things other than assignments
lets start the school year on the right foot
please

wait a minute.
why am i doing all the talking?
certainly the father
must have something insightful to say
words that will hit home
reinforce the restrictions i place on son's time
now is important
this is your one chance to turn the corner

but across the table i sit
looking at the man who would be the father
and he says nothing
nothing at all
doesn't even reiterate what i just said
nothing
silence
i am aghast
he leaves me hanging out in the breeze
dangling in the wind
all alone
it was a moment that stood
frozen in time
the enormity of it
only just now, sinking in

girls nite tonite!

its girls-nite-in!! (at a neighbors) it should get rowdy. whoo hoo. i hope i am able to hang in. i did get the INF shot last nite, but i think i feel well enough to go out and par-taaay!

i am so relieved as i have absolutely n-o-t-h-i-n-g to say to my husband. i am all talked out. no animosity. just nada.

i find that my mind is here and elsewhere. my creative juices are just flowing. (i guess thats one way to put it.)

people ask what i do with my days....how do i spend my time? how do i tell them that am able to pass the time so effortlessly? that its easy to let the time fly by here in cyberworld. its harder -out there- in the real world. i find that i am stifled by the restrictions i face, and limitations placed on me. trapped, like a caged animal.

thats ok tho. i have lived life fully. maybe now its time to rest and recover.