the discovery channel

the intense heat
of these extreme summer days
sizzing outside,
and inside too
a fire that is burning
deep inside the ground
chemicals to inject
a burning hell

like the TV show
about pompeii
i saw last nite
hot explosions
of misery and fear
raining down

stopped in their tracks
right where they stood
life in motion
frozen in time
forever memorialized
cut
down

but
some survived
escaped the pain
reached freedom
to life anew
planted new roots
start from scratch
begin again

the key to success?
they got out early
before
the weight of the world
shed its terror
bearing down on them
over and over
buried
before it was too late

for me
only time will tell
how long i lingered
and rode the wave
toward a new home
or a premature grave
like my grandma esta
cut down
taken away
in no time at all

i am pleased with the journey
my life is rich
it has been fun
i am happy with my choices
live life to the fullest
as deep and wide as i go
tho it is no secret
my heart hungers for more,
i am a surviver
to hell and back
again and again
i can take the heat

the final frontier

my last chance.

i will be starting chemo (interferon=INF) next week. i am out of options. this is #3 of 3. it is my last hope. my dr sat with my husband and me (it was the first time they had met) and he really looked concerned...it wasn't only his words either. his tone was somber. the bleeding events really concern him.

i am a time bomb waiting to go off....and this has nothing (really) to do with the goddamn brain tumor. thats just icing on the cake. i see a neurosurgeon next week to talk about how to track that....

the good news? i generally tolerate drugs well, so i am hopeful that i will tolerate the INF well too. what choice do i have? the side effects are supposed to be awful...and potentially harmful too. but it also has the potential to stop any further damage from happening.

but, its the damage that has already been done, that concerns me the most. is it too little, too late? has the dye already been cast? a stroke, seizures, brain tumor and scary bleeding events....isn't the damage already done? i have been educating myself over the years. judging by my knowlege and "expertise", i think it looks bleak. ie: an early grave. this disease certainly wants to progress....

hubby and i get our training from the drs office once the drug comes in next week.....and oh boy...it has been nearly impossible to obtain. its expensive, hard to get, and evidently insurance is reluctant to pay. either hubby or i will have to inject me with pre-loaded INF syrnges at least 3x/wk!! eeew. can you imagine? more fucken needles.

its like the pediatrician said: i'm just *made bad*.

yesterday tho, my hemotologist did commend me on my attitude and fortitude. he said he was proud of me. that made me feel good, cuz in spite of it all, i feel strong.


information is power.

surprise, surprise!

who would have thunk it?
me!! thats who!

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Low

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

happy HNT!

"You can't control the length of your life,but you can control the width and depth." ~ Author unknown

have a vunda-bah day!

passing thoughts

when i was a little girl and my mother took me to the doctor for yet again, another ache, pain or issue....the pediatrician said to my mom when asked why i have so many problems: "what can i say? she's just *made bad*." it became a sick family joke all these years. and total prophecy. i am made bad. thank god i look good. appearance is most everything...

i have had several friends--both that know about my secret world, and NOT know--that have commented on the lack of bday gift from hubby. don't worry guys, it doesn't bother me. i know he is good for it. i am just thankful that i have this forum, this *club*, to voice who i am and how i feel. he wrote me a touching poem, and has stepped up to the plate in a way he never has before. i am grateful. it ain't nuttin but a ting...this token of my birth. i'd much rather have good health, than a trinket. its the yin to my yang...this secret pleasure....

i seem to be bleeeding like crazy from my "attic and my basement" since the seizures. getting more blood work done tomorrow morning to analyze the situation. i spit out huge mouthfuls of brite red blood today when i brushed my teeth. it scared the living shit out of me. things have calmed down for now fortunately. sheesh! yuk.

i feel too crummy to feel terribly horny. thats a blessing. the time is just rolling on by....

i am actually in a pretty good mood for someone who has all this shit hanging over them. i find that i am enjoying the simple things much more. i appreciate what i have...who i am. i am in no great rush. suddenly, life has become so much easier. i am limited in what i can do. thats a good thing (for now.) once the weather changes, i may be singing a different song, however...

****time out****

argh!!!!!! i just got off the phone with my hemotologists office. the stinker is gone for the day, did not call me back, and there is a problem regarding my coming in to get blood work tomorrow. they can't do blood work that faye ordered. wtf?!?! if he had gotten the message and called me back, he would have ordered the same goddamn thing himself. grrrrrrrrrrrrr. i am so pissed. what was i saying about being in a good mood?! argh!!!!

happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.....

the only place i can go for happy thoughts is waaay back when 'old friend' and i shared our magical times. now THAT was some kinda wonderful. despite it ALL, it still makes me smile!

no regrets. great memories. :o)

a real 'sit-down'

finally had a sit-down today, with my fav doctor of all time: my neurologist, faye.

SHE is the only one who took the time to SHOW me what i am dealing with. i saw the MRI's! its waaay bigger than i thought. jeez, drs get excited about little itty bitty calcifications in my breast...BUT the size of this puppy was pretty big! a stretched out nickel-size...in the middle of my fucken brain. the area that controls the sensations i feel. (on my right side. it sits in the left brain. its the way we humans work...)

anyway, we discussed and analyzed every single event that i seem to be having. my right side doesn't seem to be working as well as my left. i need to determine whether there has been permanent damage...thereby establishing a new baseline for comparison....OR....do i need more antiseizure drug to quiet the smaller seizures that appear to be happening thruout the day(s). she and i will talk again this friday to get a sense of whats what. its interesting, in a morbid sort of way. thank god i have her as my advocate. she is looking out for me.

all i know is that at this point: 2 weeks out from the seizures, i feel off. something is not right. it really sucks. big time. no highs, no lows. total ambivilence. moderately annoyed in fact...

add into the mix: frustrating sex with hubby and NO gift (its ok, i understand), NO birthday reach-out from 'old friend' (1st time EVER), well meaning but annoying girlfriends, extreme fatigue, dirty house and feeling like a trapped, caged (albeit limping) animal. will i ever feel normal again?

when it rains, it pours.
monsoons. deluges. tsunami my world....

i am not scared, goddamn it.

its my birthday!

the timing
the irony
starting my blog
meeting my biggest health crisis
Head On
i have a brain tumor
happy birthday to me

it sucks big time
its hard to believe its real
flowers, cards, and well wishes
trinkets, gifts and toys
tell of an alternate reality
the tangible one
the one to hold on to and cherish

yet
it seems that i have developed
a bit of a 'tude
please people!
stop looking at me
with big sad eyes

i am sick for no goddamn reason
an overdose of meds if you will,
trying to treat the problem
of the hand i have been dealt
more questions than answers
no solutions at hand
all attempts at quieting the storm
only creates more
chaos.

my quest has become more important
than ever,
my hunger
more insatiable.

a birthday to remember indeed

missing

Have you seen my friend?
He used to come around
we would talk about lots of things
politics, sports, homelife,
the cute things our kids say

then, at other times
our talks would be
so thrilling and exciting,
erotic and sensual
the adrenaline coursing
thru our veins
pure joy and glee
riding, like in waves
soothing me to my core

Have you seen my friend?
He is wise and profound
youthful and reckless
I used to feel his spirit
inside me, a warm glow
making me breathless
and filling a void long unattended

The warmth and good cheer has vanished
A cool breeze now fills the air
the place he used to be
once so fulfilling and comfortable
hot and sexy,
now lies empty
with a silence so deafening
its screaming in my head.

Have you seen my friend?
He does not know of my recent
health crisis
his soft calming voice
would be like a warm blanket
soothing me
protecting me
giving me strength

i miss him so
now,
more than ever

hurry up and have fun?

its funny...and not in a ha-ha sort of way either.

with ALL that i had going on in my life, i felt like i had some control of the life i have left before me. i made the choice to put myself *out there* to open myself up to the world....to boldly go where i have not gone before (to coin a phrase!) to live life to the fullest....with all its bumps and bruises. but NOW? wow, the future is upon me. suffice to say, losing all concept of reality and time, i took a leap to the place that i may be spending eternity. its pretty dark and dreary.

did i like the view from there? am i happy with the job i did, here? the choices i made?
no, no and no. but would i do anything differently next time around? no i wouldn't. i made the best choices for me, at that time.

everyone is making such a big fuss over me and my situation. its un-nerving. i do not want to have to hurry-up-and-have-fun, before my time is up. i am not ready yet.

i'm aliiiive....and its HNT!

i'm alive and kicking!!

...and seizure-free! whoo hoo!

happy half-nekkid thursday one and all~

its been a tough week for sure. i am trying to keep an upbeat, positive attitude. tomorrow is my big doctor appt. we shall see what that visit will bring. hubby and i will take all my tests, MRI's, CAT scans, et al with us for analysis. then i want to put all this c-r-a-p behind us! its depressing. i want to get on with the rest of my life.

i'm starting to get horny again....thats certainly a good sign....but for whom? hubby will be pleased, but i fear that i will once again slide back into that miserable place where my needs will remain un-met. so much of my body is numb right now, that i wonder how much sensation i will actually feel...? perhaps i had better attempt it alone, before i proceed with hubby. i shall be sure to keep you posted.

life goes on....

round 2

.....so i went to the all nite girls sleepover party friday nite. we all had a BLAST!! it was so much fun! we stayed up late, drank blueberry daquiris, swam in the pool, laffed and tawked till the wee hours of the morning. then saturday morning, in front of all my friends, i had another TWO seizures, and was taken to the emergency room once again....

the docs think they found the cause of my problems. get a load of this: i have a benign, inoperable tumor on the thalmus of my brain!!! what the fuck??? i will find out this week how we will treat it. one doc said perhaps radiation treatments. this sucks big time. in the meantime, i am loaded up on anti-seizure meds, so as not to have any more mishaps.

i have been overwhelmed by friends and family with cards, flowers, warm wishes and food! i confess, it does make me feel good to know that so many people care about me....i only wish the circumstances were different. i feel groggy and slow....but otherwise ok. right now i am waiting on a call back from my doctor, telling us (hubby and me) when we can come in for an appointment.....

keep thinking positive thoughts, and i will report back as soon as i know something...anything!!

seize the day?

whoo boy, have i had quite the past few days.

wednesday morning, here at home, i was talking to my darling daughter one moment.....next moment i realize that i was in the emergency room of our local hospital!! evidently i had a seizure!! fortunately my husband was home too, and while he held me (and watched me shake, rattle and roll my eyes back in my head) darling daughter called 911. i have no recollection of anything at all....just waking up in the emergency room!

it was a l-o-n-g day, being poked and prodded, tested and re-tested.....eight hours worth, in fact.

this morning i had a follow-up MRI, next tues is an EEG, then friday is my appt with the neurologist. according to our state law, a person cannot drive a car for at least six months when they have had a seizure. that means mid winter before i can drive?? nuh uh, i don't think so....

my blood disorder has given me several mini strokes. (one time i lost the use of my right arm for hours!!) anyway, the theory is that it is the scarring on my brain from these strokes, that has created this seizure situation. my brain is having little short circuits. according to the docs i have spoken with thus far, this will likely happen again!!! you know what that means?? MORE MEDS!!!!! oow goodie. as if 13 pills a day is not enough!!

i am so angry and scared and worried.....so is my family. this sucks, BIG time!

i am supposed to go to an all-nite-girls-out-sleepover tonite. i have a HUGE party tomorrow nite. i've got places to go, people to see, my life to live!!

ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

the infamous ashley madison

surely you all have met her? that little vixen ashley madison?

some of us can do it. cheri at http://secretloverslane.blogspot.com has been able to integrate it into her life: married, but dating. how exciting! i give her credit, cuz i can't do it.

i can run, but i can't hide. i have met some wonderful, lovely, terrific people thru ms ashley madison. my buds, my friends, my posse. in truth, they have empowered me, helped me to grow. but they also, unknowingly, made me realize a true-to-life fact. what i thought i was looking for, and what i know i'll never find, is that love that cums (came?) along once in a lifetime--if you're lucky enough. i did not go seek it out. *it* found me! it was a leap of faith that overcame me. truely took me by surprise. ash mad and looking desperately, trying, dating, and even schtupping has made it very clear that *looking* doesn't feel so good....as good....as the real deal. the real deal felt so good, that the memory of it alone will have fuel my fire. nothing really cums close. not even hubby, said to say.

so am i half empty, or half full?

i can be open to the possiblitity for the rest of my life, that someone, somewhere will cum along and again, sweep me off my feet. fill me up. top me off. [i should be so lucky.... ]

in the meantime, i reeeeally need to get over this sexual hurdle with hubby. but how? its been staring at me since day one.


peace

must be the full moon....

...it happens every time.

In the shower
I was just imagining your hands on me
the way you spoke of before
I couldn't help but touch myself
up and down and all over
my clit was so ready
it was already throbbing
a gentle touch was enough
to send shivering spasms thru my body
today's menu
one hand on tits
rubbing and tweaking
other hand swimming down below
one finger inside so deep
another finger at the back door
I can't do it all with one hand
I need more hands
your hands would be nice
The boobs have to take a back seat
I need the hand
I use my middle finger to find
that perfect rhythm
rocking and rolling
the left hand is deep inside
rubbing across that spot
that only be found
if I stand jjjjust right
Butt up and and groin back
looking like I am giving myself
over to you,
to access me from behind

my right hand is moving in slow circles
over and around, over and around again
I feel my juices pouring out over my hands
its so slick and smooth
The rhythm is so good
I feel like I'm dancing
my knees go up and down
my finger goes in and out
my other finger goes round and round
the sensations are swirling all thru me
it is so intense
I think of you
as I explode in ecstasy
panting and groaning
on and on it goes
non stop fun.
The pace slows down
but the fingers keep turning
slowly, trying to catch my breath
the intensity starts to build
that spot, way up high
doesn't let up
it wants more
keep going, gently
round and round
the hands start to find their rhythm,
up and in, back and forth
the knees do their dance
Before I can fully catch my breath
my world is rocking again
exploding into all directions
out into space
and across the barriers
that seperate us
From my heart to yours
You rocked my world.

a hungry passion

to follow up on my previous post about being "denied":

the denial is one thing. ok, i've learned to live with it. i loved and lost. 'unrequited love' is the name of my game. (hence the hungry heart) but the thing that plagues me, is not so much the loss, but rather what to do with all this *passion* that has cum gurgling up out of me since i made that fateful leap.

i have always been a sexual person....even when i was young. ironically enough tho, i waited a while to lose my virginity...i was a month shy of my 18th bday. (i gave it up to someone who was 11 years older than me, and has turned out to be semi-famous. hah! what a hoot that is! can you imagine? i have actually seen him interviewed on the Today Show!!) but i digress....

its this raw passion, the sexual nature of me that seems to attract men. not that i am complaining, mind you. quite honestly, i enjoy the company of men more than women. i like being bawdy, talking about sports, politics, whatever. i am always the girl at the party watching football with the guys, while the wives swap recipes in the kitchen. thats just me.

but 'old friend' did something to me that no one else...no man ever, in fact, before or since...has been able to do. i felt a passion, a literal burning in my loins for him. my head, my heart and my crotch were all on fire. he put me into this now constant, state-of-horny! i think about it all the time. i want it. i view it. i read it. i do it (alone) more, more, more. but where has it left me? crying (alone) in the bathroom after sex with my husband, thats where its gotten me!! argh!

'old friend' was able to stimulate a part of me that no one ever accessed before....the biggest, most powerful sex organ i have: my brain. i guess i am hoping that it is here, in cyberspace, that i can access it again.

so far, so good
peace~

denied

wanting to share
but being denied
first in the 70's,
then in the 80's,
and now today

how I waited and hoped
tried and tried
hoping upon hope
that you would finally see
take the chance
show me the real you
let me in, all the way
share with me
the passion that you envisioned
the fantasies you held
join together
as one
to take the journey
together

however it plays
the hand is right
I trust you
to make the right call
You called my bluff
I lost

once again
it's not to be.
denied

P.S.

my patriotic doodie.


(esp now cuz i have my own HNT banner!)

numero dos

Happy Half Naked Thursday!

things were getting a little bit too heavy around here. i think i need to lighten the mood.

in todays posting, i am truely in fact, half naked....along with my darling daughter....in our sexy, oh-so-hot, albeit temporary, beach tattoos!

have a great day one and all~

all aboard!

as the years go on
they move so fast
a blur of images
like a passing in a train
its hard to focus
on just one thing
don't dwell on what has passed
you'll miss your
next stop

the destination is yet unknown
but we are on a straight course
heading right there
I see it calling to me
there off in the distance
waving frantically
so I will stay
on track

with all my strength
with all my might
I push and I pull
toward the final leg
of a journey that has been
long and arduous
gratifying and profound
learning as I go along
trying not to pass the same
old landmarks twice

this is the time
to seek out the new
to look beyond the next bend
visualize the rewards
that waits patiently for you
further down the line

independence day for me!

i feel free!! independent! i mustered up the courage, and did something i thought i would never do. it may not sound like a big deal to YOU, but it was huuuge for me.

i cancelled and deleted the email acct that i had set up just for 'old friend'. everytime i logged in and saw big fat zero's staring at me from my inbox, it made me feel like i was a zero. a nothing. well not no 'mo! i am free! i anxiously await the day...who knows when...i do have a bday coming up....when he tries to contact me via our special email acct. i will be gone! i will have the last laugh. now, HE is the big fat zero!

MY independence coincided with the holiday beautifully. i spent lots of time in my garden....playing in the dirt. [getting grounded!?] i finally made my rock garden too. i am physically exhausted, and my muscles ache. but my head? my heart? i feel cleansed, inspired and rejuvinated.

onward 'ho!